What a week.

I don't even know where to begin. The last few days have been insane and hard. The wedding was interesting. There was a lot of family drama involved and I was pretty upset for most of the night. I didn't actually calm down until I was home and my wonderful boyfriend cheered me up. Food-wise, the food wasn't great. I was disappointed but obviously still ate it because I needed to eat. I've been eating well since than to make up for the extra carbs I ate. Then some other stuff happened today and yesterday that has just got me so upset and stressed out. Thankfully, working out has helped relieve some of that stress and allowed me to release a lot of frustration.

I'm on day 5 of the 30 day shred. Today I did a lot of working out. Last night I saw pictures of myself from the wedding and I think it motivated me. I did not like the way I looked and it was very upsetting for me. Because I feel like I've been doing so well, but then I see pictures of myself and it's like you can't tell I've lost 12.5lbs. And even if you can, it doesn't matter because I'm still big and I won't be small for a long time. It's frustrating and upsetting. So I decided I was really going to go hard, both on the healthy eating and working out. Not too hard that I can't handle it but enough that I'm pushing myself. Yesterday I did the shred and 20 minutes on the elliptical. It was a lot but I felt like I could still do a lot more. So today, I did the shred twice and 40 minutes on the elliptical for a total of an hour and 40 minutes of exercise. I feel good. I won't do this much every day, but I think I have a new schedule in mind:

Sunday - DVD once + 20-40 minutes elliptical/treadmill
Monday - DVD once
Tuesday - DVD twice + 40 minutes elliptical/treadmill
Wednesday - Rest
Thursday - DVD twice + 40 minutes elliptical/treadmill
Friday - DVD once + 20-40 minutes elliptical/treadmill (every other week, most likely)
Saturday - DVD twice + 40 minutes elliptical/treadmill

I feel like that's a solid workout schedule and one that will push me but won't be too much. And the elliptical/treadmill will depends whether I'm here or at my parent's, because I'll be there a lot in July. I guess I've just finally realized that I can't just stroll along and eat healthy and workout casually. I need to push myself. If I ever feel it's too much, I'll back off, but right now I think I can handle it. I've also established snack days. They are Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. On these days I'll be allowed to have something like a slimfast bar, granola bar or crispy minis (so smart snacks that aren't overloaded with sugar or sodium). The other 4 days I'm going to have to snack on fruits and veggies. I feel like I snack most night on granola bars and such, and I want to cut that down. I think 3 days a week is a good compromise.

On day 10 of the shred, I'm going to advance to level 2. So on days when I do the shred twice, if level 2 is too hard, I'll do level 2 once and level 1 once. I've also measured myself, and I plan on measuring myself every subsequent 15 days of the shred - so one at the start, one halfway through at day 15, and one at the end at day 30, just to see how effective it is.

I feel good despite everything. I'm going to eat dinner in a bit - leftover baked chicken, a salad and likely some baked tomatoes or I'll make green beans. Depends. So in spite of feeling down about how I look and having a terrible week, I'm trying to turn it into something positive - working out as a distraction and to relieve stress and using it as an incentive to keep losing weight.

-Monica

Day 2 of the 30 Day Shred

So I did my 2nd day of the 30 day shred. I really didn't want to do it because I was pretty sore from yesterday, but it wasn't so bad that I couldn't work out. So I did it. It was surprising because I already feel my endurance building. I can definitely see how you would get results if you go hard for 30 days. So I'm happy I did it today. Although tomorrow is not usually a rest day, I have a wedding to attend so day 3 will be Sunday (unless we are invited to the poprawiny which is a polish tradition.. basically a big party the day after a wedding where you eat all the leftover food and drink all the leftover booze). But we'll see how it goes. Tomorrow I will try my best to make smart choices, or at least not to completely overeat.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I'm planning on measuring myself once I'm back home and have my measuring tape just to see how big a difference this 30 day shred makes outside of the scale. So, we'll see how it goes!

-Monica

Thursday Weigh-in

Just want to give a quick weigh-in, as I weighed myself at my parents this morning!

187.5lbs!!!!

I'm so happy because this is less than I expected. I still think my scale and my mom's scale need to be compared again, so I'm going to do my best at only weighing in on my mom's scale since it's the one I'm going by, so I may not weigh in every single week now. But I'm so happy. And I'm going to order my iphone case today even though Canada Post is still on strike. And only 7.5 more pounds until my next reward which is a pedicure! So I'm officially down 12.5lbs and I've broken the first 10. I think at this point I'm very encouraged. By the end of the month I'd like to lose at least 2.5lbs so I can be an even 185, so that's my goal. Losing more would be even better. But 185 will be my goal.

Okay but I'm off to start my 30 day shred! Yay!

-Monica

New Elliptical!

I finally got my new eliptical! It's fantastic. It was originally $1000, but it was half off and we got an additional $10 off because we bought the floor model. And then the price came down a little more because my mom is a master at bargaining. Needless to say, we got this elliptical for a crazy price. I used it today for 45 minutes and I love it. I was going to use it yesterday but carrying the thing up 4 flights of stairs to my room was workout enough and my arms are so sore today. But I used it and I love it and I'm so happy I got it back.

Amanda was telling me yesterday how she bought the 30 day shred by Jillian Michaels. It's not the first time I've heard about this DVD. She showed me some before and after pictures that people had posted and wow! The difference in just 30 days is amazing. So I went on amazon and ordered 3 Jillian Michaels DVDs - the 30 day shred, ripped in 30 and banish fat boost metabolism. The 30 day shred seems to be the easiest, and then the DVDs get subsequently harder. So I'm going to start with the 30 day shred for 30 days, and if I feel I'm ready then I'll start ripped in 30. If not I may just up the difficulty of the 30 day shred for another month. I likely won't get the DVDs in for a bit, depending on the Canada Post strike, so until then I'll use my elliptical. I've also made a bit of a workout schedule that I'm doing to try to follow:

Sunday: DVD + 20-30 minutes elliptical
Monday: DVD
Tuesday: DVD + 20-30 minutes elliptical
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: DVD + 20-30 minutes elliptical
Friday: DVD + 20-30 minutes elliptical (but only every other week)
Saturday: DVD + 20-30 minutes elliptical

I'll try to follow that as best I can. If I'm at my parents I'll replace the elliptical with a short run on the treadmill. I think it's a bit ambitious but I'm going to try because I'd really like to start seeing results. As for this month, I'd like to just see myself lose 3-4 more pounds and I'll be pleased.

I also started studying for my LSAT again today. I had taken a bit of a break. I think after this week I'll start on my personal statements as well. I really need to get cracking on those. This week is pretty busy again for me, otherwise I'd start this week. So for now all I'm doing is looking at the practice test I wrote, at the logical reasoning questions, and going over the types of questions I got wrong. If I can learn how to better attack those questions - well, that'll be the difference between getting a 167 and a 170. So I'm really going to try.

I've been eating pretty well. I don't have many veggies left in the house and I don't want to buy any because I'm going to my parents on Wednesday until Sunday (we have a wedding this weekend). So I'm going to survive the week on broccoli and tomatoes. I don't think that'll be too bad anyway. Then on Saturday at the wedding I'm going to probably pig out a little, haha, and drink. But I'll make smart choices during dinner anyway and I'll try not to completely binge. I don't want to drink very much anyway just because the last few times I've drank more than 2-3 drinks, I've felt awful. And the same thing happens when I eat unhealthy food. I guess that's what happens when your body is no longer used to having those things in your body. It also makes me know that my body is getting healthier and I don't want to do anything to screw that up.

I'm still having foot problems. Ten minutes into my workout today my foot was in a lot of pain. So I took my runners off and put my airwalks on. I know I shouldn't workout with airwalks, but my foot doesn't hurt when I use them. That's why I'm being led to believe it is a shoe problem. I've tried to keep my shoes looser but I'm not sure how else to prevent it. Unless it's something that'll go away as I lose more weight. I guess I'll find out.

I think that's it for now!

-Monica

Thursday Weigh-in

Sorry it's been a few days. Life has been busy. I graduated today which was fun, but it was a really long day. And I did have a few snacks, but I think I earned it. I weighed myself this morning and I was 190.6lbs. I'm so close to 190! I would justl ike to lose at least 3 or 4 more pounds by the end of June for me to be satisfied. I realize that I'm a little behind but there's nothing I can do about it. I think once I do get the first 10lbs out of the way, I'll feel like I can do this. I was supposed to get a new elliptical today but it ended up being too late so my mom is coming this weekend to help me go get one. So once I have that back, hopefully on Saturday, I'll start working out more consistently. I did work out a little this week - I went for a run and did some workout videos, but I feel like it'll be so much better when I get another elliptical.

The weather's been nice lately so no problems there, and I have been making sure to eat extremely healthy. Even today I did my best. I had a side salad at dinner with my chicken, but I also had a dinner roll and swiss chalet sauce but oh well. For lunch we were at a luncheon so I had to choose from what they had. I had a salad and a sandwich on one piece of multigrain bread and some fruit. The bad food came in at the reception - I had one onion ring, a spring roll, a mozarella stick, a tiny meatball, and a piece of pita bread with some hummus on it. Obviously not good food but I only had one of each so I didn't go overboard. Then they had a chocolate fountain so I had 2 chocolate covered strawberries, haha. I couldn't resist and they were so so so delicious! But tomorrow I'll just have to work extra hard to be healthy. I likely stayed under or around 1500 calories today because the bad food that I did had were very small, so I'm confident today wasn't a total write-off. Plus I probably ended up walking around campus today for a good 45-50 minutes because we had to park so far away. I did my best with what I was given and I did treat myself because after 4 years I deserve it. One day won't be the end of this weight-loss.

I was planning on working out tomorrow but I wore new shoes today and they are so sore, so I don't know how they'll be tomorrow. I've also been having this weird problem when I work out, which started towards the beginning of the year when I began working out again. My right foot gets incredibly sore when doing anything after about 15 minutes. I thought at first it was because I was out of shape, but last year when I was working out and heavier than I am now, I didn't have this problem. Then I thought it could be my shoes but all of my running shoes fit and they aren't too tight and it happens no matter what pair I'm using. Even the shoes I was wearing last year to run in do it and I don't know why. Maybe I injured my foot at some point? But it doesn't really feel like an injury. It just hurts. It does feel like my shoe is too tight and it starts getting tingly but I've been keeping my shoes loose. It's so weird and I hope it stops because it gets very sore and annoying and I sometimes have to stop working out. That's why I like the elliptical - because I'm not constantly taking my foot off the ground, it takes a lot longer for it to start bothering me and I can work with it bothering me a bit. I'm really not sure why it's doing this though.

I think that's about it for now. Hopefully by Monday or so I'll be able to order my new iphone case! Not that I'll get it unless the Canada Post strike ends but I'll have ordered it anyway! And then I'll focus on getting to 180 so I can get a pedicure! And I adore pedicures so you know I'm going to work hard to get to that point so I can spend 40 glorious minutes sitting in a massage chair! It can't come soon enough.

-Monica

A semi-healthy weekend

So the weekend wasn't a success. Nor was it a failure. I stayed semi-healthy. I always dread coming to my parents house because they always have snacks and I get so tempted. At least when I'm on my own I don't have anything to tempt me and I do rather well. I did snack a little bit this weekend, but nothing too major. I don't expect to lose weight, though. I also didn't end up working out. I wanted to today but for some reason I was completely devoid of all energy and I had a nap instead.

But, I'm still on track to lose 30lbs by the end of the August. I'm going to aim for 185 for the end of June. I know that might be a little ambitious but I'm going to try. I'm going to start off by going for a run tomorrow when I wake up. Then I'll do p90x in my room on Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I won't have time to as I'm graduating and it's a full day ordeal. Thankfully, my parents are getting me the new elliptical on Thursday and will hopefully set it up with me. After that I know I can reach my goal because I will be able to use it everyday, even humid days, if I put my fan right in front of it. And if I just really stick to eating healthy, I'll be fine, I think. I have to believe I'll be fine.

Amanda showed me an article a couple weeks ago about obstacles to losing weight. Some of it was silly, but one has really stuck out at me. It said you'll never lose weight if you don't love your body. I've thought a lot about that for the past few days. I don't necessarily agree 100% with it. I am repulsed by my body - I hate it. I hate how I look when I stand naked in front of a mirror. It makes me want to die. But I think I derive a lot of strength from that because it pushes me to change. But on the other hand, sometimes I look in the mirror and think "well that's it. I'm a lost cause. I'll never lose weight and never look any better than this so why do I even bother?" and I think that's where I've been lately. I've been very discouraged and I was there all weekend, hence my snacking. But tonight I realized I don't hate my entire body. I like that I'm short. I like that I have tiny hands and feet. I like my hair and I generally like my skin and being pale. And referencing last year when I was 178lbs, I could look in the mirror and not feel completely hopeless and I know I have the potential to love my body. And I think despite hating my weight, I can push through it and at least give myself the illusion that I love my body by really focusing on the parts that I love. I got a pedicure today and it made me realize that I should focus on enhancing the parts of myself that are nice and the body will follow. So I'm going to focus on keeping my hair healthy, I'm going to stop biting my nails, I'm going to use my body brush on my skin and continue to moisturize and take care of it, especially my face. I really hope this will encourage me to let my body follow.

So I've hit a bit of a roadblock lately and have stayed the same weight but I think I'm ready to break through it. My problem lately (minus the not working out/eating due to the humidity) has been all psychological so I just need to be strong enough to recognize the signs and be strong enough to rise above and look at the big picture. And the big picture is me at 130lbs, healthy and fit, with one less thing holding me back from living my life the way that I want to.

-Monica

June, so far.

Sorry for not updating. It's been another weird week.

I started the week off well. I'm definitely in a better mood and started eating right and exercising. Then the humid weather started up 2 days ago again. It's been rough. Last night was probably the most humid night we had, and before bed I ended up throwing up, and my eyes and head hurt so bad, and I was so lightheaded. It doesn't seem to matter how much water I drink in a day (yesterday it was around 15 glasses). Luckily I did get some sleep last night, so hopefully I'll be less cranky today. It's also a lot less humid today, or seems like it. There's a breeze and it's overcast so that helps.

My eating has mostly been okay. I've been eating well up until yesterday. I forgot my lunch yesterday, and thankfully it was a Wednesday. Every Wednesday at work there is a free lunch downstairs, so instead of paying $8 for parking in one day, I had the free lunch. It wasn't the best - I ate a salad and they had chicken burgers with unhealthy buns. But I was starving and ate it. Then I went for dinner with a friend and we had popcorn shrimp with delicious peppercorn ranch dressing. But since I knew I ate some not-so-good things, I ordered a huge salad for my meal which was nice. This hot weather, especially when I'm at home, makes me not eat very much. I think that's why I haven't seen any dramatic changes lately - I'm not eating enough. But I'm trying. And I'm going to my parent's tomorrow where I know they'll feed me and I'll eat because they have AC. I'll also try to work out a home this weekend  - go for a run on the treadmill at least. And my mom is giving me an extra fan to bring back so I can put that in front of me and hopefully I can work out here on humid days. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing about feeling so sick in this weather. I guess a part of me is considering moving home and just commuting, but I love living on my own. I think I may just try out the extra fan first, and if that doesn't work, I'll keep an eye on the weather and maybe just go to my parent's on days when it's supposed to be really humid, and stay here the rest of the time.

I did weigh myself this morning though and I'm 191.8lbs. So at least there's a tiny loss. Less than 2lbs to go before the first milestone. I feel like I should be there already but... I guess I have to deal with the fact that I'm losing slower. But only 1.8lbs until I can get my new iphone case! I'm excited because I want a new one so badly. Hopefully after this weekend the scale will hit 190 and I can get one. And then it'll be on to the next goal - to hit 180. Hopefully with increased exercising, once I figure this whole humidity thing out, we'll start seeing the pounds falling off faster. I'd like that anyway.

I guess that's it for now. I'm trying my best to stay positive, even if this weather puts me in a terrible mood. But at least this weather makes it very unlikely that I'll binge on bad food, since I can barely stand the thought of eating, haha. I guess I'd still prefer weather that wasn't humid though. I really need to move somewhere with gorgeous non-humid weather...

-Monica

Starting Over

I'm taking today to start over fresh. It was a bit of a rough weekend. It was a rough week. A bunch of things happened, got too much bad news and combined with being sick, they all piled up and I just kind of fell off the wagon this weekend. I didn't eat anything completely terrible, but yesterday I did eat almost an entire bag of crispy minis. Granted those bags aren't exactly big, and it could have been a lot worse if I had eaten chips or something, but still. I blame my rough week and being sick and it being that time of the month. But I'm starting over today. I'm going to go carbless for a few days just to do a quick detox and hopefully it'll jumpstart my weightloss again. As far as I can tell I haven't gained, but I haven't lost either. We'll see how it goes in a few days. I'm so close to 190 that I don't want to get discouraged now.

It's supposed to be another humid week so I can foresee me not wanting to eat very much. It's why going carbless is a good idea for this week; I tend to not like carbs in the humid weather and very much stick to cold foods like veggies. I'm also hoping to begin exercising again this week. My mom hasn't brought me my new elliptical yet because she's too busy, so I have to continue improvising. Knowing my mom I'll probably be waiting a while still. It sucks too because even in the humid weather I'd use my elliptical. I'd just put a fan in front of it and go to it for an hour or however long. So it's frustrating that the one exercise I want to be doing, I can't.

My LSAT studying has been going well. I've been surprising myself by how well I do on the reading comprehension section. I've realized that my LSAT score is likely going to be directly related to my confidence. I generally don't have confidence in my abilities, but seeing myself consistently do well on this section has changed that a bit. Maybe it'll transfer into my weight-loss abilities as well. I do feel like as soon I hit 178lbs, where I was last year, I'll begin to have  confidence in myself again. But until then it's going to be a struggle.

I'm really not sure what's going on with me lately. I'm moody and emotional and I feel like I'm pushing everyone away. I don't want that and I don't mean to do it but I get like this sometimes. And I think it's times like these when I really need people to make sure I don't push them away. But everyone has their own problems and their own lives and I know that they can't be concerned all the time with how I feel and I get that. But it's still hard and I've just been feeling completely defeated lately. I'm trying so hard to keep my self-esteem up and to convince myself that I deserve the things I have and the people I have in my life, but it was difficult this week. It's a new week though. I'm going to keep my head up and I'll just have to constantly remind myself that I can do this, that I'm smart, and that I deserve the people who love me, and that they do in fact love me. I don't think it'll be easy, but it's just another obstacle I'm going to have to overcome.

New Month

So it's a new month, and a new weight-loss goal to tackle. I haven't done particularly well the past few days because of the heat. I don't have air conditioning and I live on the top floor of my house, with only 2 small fans to cool my room. It's led to me not eating too much because I can't eat in heat like this, nor do I want to cook. I also haven't been able to work out. Combine all of this with the fact that we held book club outside on Tuesday since the study room was being used, I had to go to the hospital yesterday and was diagnosed with heat exhaustion. I had a massive headache and was throwing up, and I couldn't rehydrate because I would just throw up the water. They were pretty close to giving me an IV, but after a while in the cool building I was able to keep my fluids down and I was sent home and ordered to rest. Thus, I won't be working the rest of the week - which is good because I need to rest but sucks for my wallet. Not that heat exhaustion is very serious, but I feel like no one cared about it, lol. The few people I told did not even ask how I was doing today (which is better, thanks, due to the weather today and the beautiful breeze we had all day), aside from my boss, bless her heart. She's always so worried about me. But everyone else.. I dunno.It just bugs me because with all of my friends I'm the first one to ask them how they're feeling after not feeling well, no matter how minor. Maybe that's just the way I am and no one else is like that. Maybe I just shouldn't expect people to act how I would act. And I'm sorry for ranting, it was just bugging me all day since it lowers my self-esteem thinking that no one else cares. And it makes me feel... so alone. And then it makes me not want to lose weight because what's the point and then I stop eating healthy... and I just don't want to go down that path. But sometimes I get so close when stupid shit like this brings me down. Ugh. I dunno. Thank goodness my boss sent me an email asking how I was feeling or else I dunno how I'd feel right now.

Anyway. I weighed myself this morning and I stayed steady at the weight I had last Thursday. This was no surprise. Considering I haven't been eating much the past few days (thus my body probably thinks I'm starving and is storing fat) combined with not exercising and the fact that it's that time of the month, I didn't expect to see a change. But at least I didn't gain, which is the important thing.

I was able to cook some stuff today because it wasn't so hot that I couldn't turn the oven on. I made stuffed tomatoes which were delicious. Definitely a recipe I'm going to have to keep. I also bought crispy lettuce wraps which I can use as a substitution for bread and wraps when wanting a light lunch. It's really nice and nutritious. Other than that I just relaxed and took it easy today. I slept in and got some studying in. I may try to work out tomorrow, but the humidity is supposed to return so we'll have to see. I wish I had the money to buy a portable air conditioner because I'm not sure I can survive many more humid days in this room. I need to move somewhere without humidity. Hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight for once and I'll feel almost 100% tomorrow, because this no sleeping thing has brought my headaches back. I felt fine for most of the day except for being slightly nauseous for the duration of my headache (which is still here). Hopefully some rest will make them disappear again - I was pretty happy not dealing with a headache for a week.

I guess that's all for now. Sorry for ranting and the semi-angsty post. I just get frustrated and wonder if this is all worth it sometimes. But I guess it is, if for no one else but myself. I just have to try to keep my head up throughout.

-Monica