I'm having a bit of a tough time. Last week was the villages and my birthday. I ate poorly, which was to be expected. I only gained 2.5lbs, which should be reason to celebrate, right? But when you've only lost 12.5lbs total.. it kind of sucks. I feel like I'm failing at this.
I saw pictures of myself from my brother's birthday party and I was just disgusted at how I looked. I don't know if it's that the camera adds pounds or what, but I don't feel like I look like that when I look in the mirror. So it's hard seeing pictures of myself, and seeing how others view me. I look terrible. And it makes me feel awful. Especially because, as I've mentioned before, I feel like I am progressing, but when that doesn't translate to how people view me... it's very disheartening. And I've just been a mess lately.
I don't want to look like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling terrible about myself and thinking I'm fat and ugly. I want it to change. And on one hand, it fuels the fire and pushes me to work harder. But on the other hand.. it's such a slow process and it's so hard to keep my spirits up. I think I need all the help I can get right now. All I know is that I want to be able to wear cute clothes and not look at something and realize I'm too big for it. To want to actually buy bathing suits. To wear cute dresses and to not be completely self conscious about how I look from the side when I'm sitting down. To be confident enough in how I look and myself so I can believe that I'm good enough. But a big part of me keeps thinking I'll fail at this just like I've failed at countless other things. The difference is that this is the one thing I don't want to fail at, and I don't know what I'll do if I do.
Today was my first day working out for almost a week. Not by choice - my ankle was very sore and I spent the last few days icing it. It hurt this morning but by the time I got home it was fine. I did day 11 of the 30 day shred (level 2) and an hour on the elliptical. I would have done more but I was starving and needed time to study and shower. I'm really going to go hard the next couple weeks. I don't have anything until June 23rd. I have a buck and doe that night and I've already decided that I will do one of two things: if I eat the food, I won't drink, and if I drink I won't eat the food. I need to start making sacrifices so that one bad day doesn't put me back a week. This week I'm going hard on working out - no break until next Wednesday since I didn't work out Sunday or Monday. I'm also going to eat incredibly healthy and do my detox (which is just a cleansing pill that received approval from my dad). So it's a 7-day detox and I started that today. I also ate lots of veggies today - 3 cups of broccoli anyone?
I'm trying to keep myself distracted so I don't get so down about how I look. I've spent the entire night studying and beginning my law school applications, or at least figuring out what exactly I need to do for the applications. I've really got to get a move on those, especially the personal statements.
Anyway, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll lose those 2.5lbs doing this detox and get right back on track.
-Monica
I know it's probably really hard to lose the weight, but if you are disgusted with yourself then you need to quit failing and just do it.
ReplyDeleteYou were doing well and you were saying it was becoming easier so just go with it.
It's a pain in the ass, but you can do it. Push yourself. You deserve to be happy.
Aw, Monica! Don't be discouraged. You are doing great and 10 pounds is NOTHING to sneeze at. You sound like you have a great plan to keep with it and I believe in you! You're a workout beast, so I know that's nothing for you.
ReplyDeleteIf you need an ankle brace recommendation, let me know. I sprained my ankle in soccer and I wore a brace when I ran/ellipticaled for a long time and it SO helped to strengthen my ankle.
Also? Broccoli ftw! And tell us more about the cleanse. I've always been to scared to try one, but I kind of want to.
~icemousey~